11 / Just Say No Maybe I’m delusional but having faced so much backlash for talking about sexual consent, unsurprisingly mostly from men, the funny thing is the loudest people are the men who become so defensive as though a fact or statistic alone immediately incriminates them. Like somehow this is a violation of their consent - it may be true, but why didn't anyone ask them if they're ok with it being true? “Not All Men!” they scream. Or "Not Me!" because obviously everything has to be about them. Personally. And that's what makes me feel like I'm delusional because a part of me can't actually believe the backlash. I think, no, that's not about me or my work. It can't be. They see more than that. And then I look closer and realize maybe it is. Yes, it is. The men. All loudly advocating for their dicks. Violence against women? Sure, but not me. I have the right to speak on behalf of myself and every woman I know because I am The Man. Why aren't women so confidently self-centered? We sit around wondering how to explain ourselves whilst men just go "this is how I feel, and this is what I think, and this is what I do, and therefore I am right." I’m so tired of it all. Call me paranoid but there seemed to be resistance against my stance using the slogan from Nike, you know, JUST DO IT. Maybe I’m wrong. But suppose I’m right. It irritates me so much because at its core it trivializes my entire point. My argument to that is: what happens when I JUST SAY NO. Because essentially my entire argument - if you can even call it an argument - but it is apparently an argument, which is why this is all so excruciatingly infuriating — the "argument" is about CONSENT. You can go around in a million different circles of how both men (and sadly women) will twist this, which they will, that’s how art and interpretation works. However, I have made it my life’s purpose (so it seems) to make my stance crystal clear as many times as I must. If someone voluntarily chooses to have sex and get pregnant and have a child. Perfect. If someone says no to sex, does not want to get pregnant, and preserves the right to be pro-choice. Perfect. If someone is coerced into having sex, made to feel that unless they have children they are not worthwhile, and their views on sexuality and bodily autonomy are irrelevant. Terrible. Now what happens is when men who rely on being desirable or are simply sexually deviant - when they hear conversations, which may directly or indirectly implicate them in sexual violence they become confidently, and immediately, incredibly defensive. They assume it is about them. Women are rarely granted that luxury, which is why we fight so hard for it. Talk about colonial sexual violence and what happens? White men get up to defend themselves. Or any men who historically identify with the act of colonization or domination, patriarchy, think "oh, this is about me." Talk about abortion? Men who oppose it have a lot to say about that. Even though they will never have to have an abortion or a child. And pro-life women have loads to say as well, but I’ll save that for another day. Look both ways! Instead of trying to excuse natural sexual behavior or faith-based, culturally informed, sexual behavior, or basically without turning women into virgins or whores. Don’t say this, you’re insulting our religion and culture, don’t say that you’re insulting my wife, don’t say this because you’re slut-shaming, don’t say that because nothing is black or white. Jesus. Fucking. Christ. Consent. Were the power dynamics off? Did anyone feel that they were being coerced? And before getting into who is going to frame who for what purpose: was consent made explicitly important? That is the whole issue we are dealing with when we talk about violence against women, or more specifically, male violence against women. If the knee-jerk reaction to say, “but I’m innocent” regardless of whether you’re a mid-twenties professional in an office in Tokyo or a hugely popular, famous, and attractive football player from Rio de Janeiro, or a 55 year old doctor from Paris, or a really in-demand, hot new musician from London — yes, you receive female attention, and yes you comply, and yes it’s consensual: fine. Why are you jumping up to defend yourself unless of course there is something wrong with your behavior? Maybe you are just pro-life or highly religious or maybe you don’t believe in marriage and are bisexual with no interest in having children. You are what you are. Honesty is not easy but clearly neither is denial. So before telling people to JUST DO IT why not ask yourself: what happens when they JUST SAY NO? More at ABNORMAL PULSE on how this extends to all aspects of life. Big surprise. 10 / Irreverent My Left Foot Everything routine I end up destroying. I say I'm going to swim every day and then I end up not doing that. I say I'm going to write something in a journal now every day, even like two lines, and then I stop. Then I catch up. Then I stop. I can't remember if I was writing as we or I and I don't seem to care. At some point in time I told myself that I'd keep this up at its own pace, you know, no deadlines. I'll write whenever I want to. Get mocked, achieve nothing. Who cares? I was in a fucking psychiatric ward. It was Hell. Thank God we employ people to do those jobs because you can go in and out and trust me the world just keeps whizzing around as though the only thing different is that you're back in it. After leaving the psych ward I mean. And I mean me. Obviously. Naked Concept. A concept is an abstract idea, and I put naked in front of it because sex sells - just kidding, no - I put naked there because it's about it being here so anyone in theory can read it. Why? Because I thought it sounded cool and edgy. Just kidding. I'm curious about what can happen. Someone will mock this, someone might get inspired. I may one day look back and think, oh! Perhaps there's some accountability here. Like showing irreverence towards completed products that lie about their origin because no concept is new under the sun and so if I leave it all raw, right here, then I can't possibly be faking it. My eternal deviance is my claim to authenticity. I do not sell because that would corrupt, so you must see the before, to then believe in the purity of what comes after - I will sell after I can no longer think. I will sell you my soul packaged in whatever it is you want to buy. You have to take my soul with it. Just a bit of it. Maybe a drop of my blood or a lock of my hair. Irreverent My Left Foot. It means I'm disrespectfully in a bad mood. I don't actually know what it means. I feel like there's nothing left for me to be irreverent about. I have depleted my reserves of rage. I just have a mode of being. It's called Irreverent My Left Foot. And that's it. I really have nothing else to say. For now. 9 / Let's Talk Aesthetics Baby Bare vs bear. Did you see what we did there? Even the formatting of this website, which doesn't sell anything just yet. Are the fonts the right size? Is there consistency? Are the spaces between the text boxes the same? Is the black and white template dull? All valid. It's all about the visual, the surface - not all that glitters is gold, but everything that sells is wrapped in a bit of superficial sex. It's the appeal that matters, not anything beneath the surface? How dare I?! I hear you say. Are we the only ones who think just because we write posts on a blog-type thing titled NAKED CONCEPTS that means we have substance and depth and no one else does? Um, no. Not quite. So relax. Aesthetics, like everything else in life, is personal - but perhaps even more deeply personal given how you view it and what you do with it. Artists steal, get inspired, steal some more, get emotional, and all the rest. Artists create things from which others derive meaning, so in that sense, everyone kind of is an artist because in one way or the other everyone is trying to make meaning in the world. And I do mean everyone. Whatever, wherever, however you end up finding yourself in this strange existence - to live you have to find purpose and meaning. You may not use those words exactly or have thought enough about it to even need those words, but in my view, that is what's happening. So where does that leave us? Right, some honesty: your view of the world can become highly distorted or painful if you live with any form of acute sensitivity. Everyone knows this. And yet I don't know what any of us do about it. I don't even know what I do about it. We all do something about it. No Gods, No Angels, No Masters. ​​Been there, done that. Repeat. Blah. Different strokes for different folks. What you define as beautiful, meaningful, worthy of being called art is, in my belief, in the eye of the beholder - so it's your decision. There are of course people who succeed in this space, those who create aesthetics that are either widely appreciated, widely consumed, or a bit of both. Entire industries and countless jobs rely on this fundamental principle - marketing is conceptual as well as aesthetics. And yet, I have a strange, in some ways cruel and harsh, and in other ways deeply thoughtful, way of thinking about aesthetics. Having stayed away from everything that is commercially successful - my naive (and dangerous) desire to remain de-commodified - has made me learn a lot about myself and my personal aesthetic sensibilities. It branches out into every aspect of my life, and into anything and everything I would like to create, but it's also been somewhat blocked - by several things including my mental illness and myself. Now I'm thinking about it again. Deeper than I have before. Aesthetic Concepts. Naked Concepts. More at Abnormal Pulse - because let's face it these are just thought pieces. Snippets. Understanding my aesthetic preferences has been (and I believe should be) a long, arduous journey. Mainly because we change over time. Everyone has their way of understanding and perceiving beauty. I don't like to be force-fed mass-produced products. That's me. That doesn't change the viability of those mass produced products, after all they are being mass produced because demand creates supply. No, I realise my issue with all of this is something else entirely. Simplicity. Utilitarianism. I appreciate and understand the loud, the glamour, the dazzling - but for several years now, after (as is normal in my life) many major life changes, I finally found myself comfortable with a sort of poverty-chic. That's a bit controversial. So, to put it another way, luxury on an extremely tight budget. Just the very good basics. Comfort. Easy to move. Not too indulgent. Not too anything. What I can afford having been in and out of work due to prolonged studies and mental illness. And what I can carry with me quite easily because I don't ever really, truly, have a permanent base. And I guess now I'm thinking I want that to slowly but surely change. I would like my disdain for or self-imposed distancing from industry to be replaced with action. As I have always believed: I as an artist can't choose one aesthetic, subscribe, endorse, be a passive, complacent consumer. Limiting myself, sort of torturing myself, to live with less, to be in an agonising state of survival, has made me see more clearly what it is that I truly value. Utilitarian design and style. Simplicity is elegance. What is beautiful is what truly feels good. That which makes your soul smile. What does that all mean in reality? For me it's meant knowing and seeing first-hand that little is actually a lot. That's why I also know that often times a lot is actually very little. (Wink). Exclusivity is understandable but what does that exclusivity actually do? What does it really mean to you beyond what you think it's supposed to mean because a large number of people have prescribed to it a symbolic meaning? I'm not being cynical or trying to play devil's advocate. I'm genuinely asking. Do you actually value the things you have been told or conditioned to believe have great value? Why derive meaning when you can create it? I personally don't like derivative meaning. That doesn't mean I don't appreciate it or understand it. After all, I want people to be able to derive meaning from whatever I create and put out into the world (including this). But I'm a bit obnoxious that way. As a person who wishes to create, my life experience has taught me that inspiration and ideals are one thing, and industry and sustainability are another. What lies outside all of this is a desire to go beyond. That type of desire can often stifle all creation because that degree of freedom is rare and hard to sustain. I want what looks and feels like freedom to me to be an extension of my right to be right: from my right to freely express myself to my right to fail, to break, to fall apart, to end up being admitted to a psychiatric ward, to then being discharged, to be lost, to then be found again. 9 is sex. 9 is sex discrimination and the law. 9 is autonomy. 9 is justice & 9 is freedom. I look for beauty relentlessly in all the experiences that it does reside, not obviously. In all the places that are hard or impossible to merge. Amidst all the people I have known and loved and hated and shut out. I'm finding beauty where it hurts, through the pain, almost as if it is my response to it. Doesn't that make me an aesthete? Isn't that beautiful? To be continued. Check ABNORMAL PULSE. 8 / I Should Live in Salt Don't make me read your mind - you should know me better than that. It takes me too much time - you should know me better than that. We have different enemies - you should know me better than that. Can't you write it on a wall? There's too much crying in the sound - I should know you better than that. Learn to appreciate the void: I should live in salt for leaving you behind. This is what I listen to when I double down in pain over the trauma I am still processing. It's no one's fault really. I just have a hero complex, which is in some ways worse than a God complex, because for me it manifests in my belief in my innate invincibility. I am not invincible. No one is. I always thought that the moment I start discussing Bipolar disorder or any of my mental health history people will just disappear faster than I have managed to push them away. But I underestimated our endless capacity for indifference. Apathy is so beautiful. We lose so many people to apathy. And perhaps they end up going somewhere better than this world because that agonising, dark, senseless, insensitive, crude, brash, rude, violent, disgusting arena where the animals lunge and pounce and tear at each other - no one should have to pay such a high price for Heaven. I don't believe I should live in salt. I believe I should keep on taking my medication and showing up to therapy and keep on taking my medication and showing up to therapy and writing about it regardless of who does or does not want to read about it because I want to look back and remember I survived. I don't have to be a hero to you. I just have to go towards the light and when I reach it I want to look back and thank myself for never giving up. 7 / It's All Interconnected ​I heard there was a secret chord that David played and it pleased the Lord but you don't really care for music, do you? Well baby I've been here before. I've seen this room and I've walked this floor, you know, I used to live alone before I knew you. If you know where those words come from you won't mind that I didn't use quotation marks. Everything is interconnected. Naked Concepts is not about being explicit, although what we discuss in our work might be. Naked refers to taking abstract ideas, intentions, inventions and then exposing them beyond the surface, so taking off the clothes. The Naked does refer to some concepts that are explicit, taboo, challenging, non-conforming, defiant, deviant, etc, etc. But how can you eliminate the truth and live in a fictional world - devoid of artistic truth, which in my opinion only enhances truth - no, how can we not bare it all, when we are bearing it all, constantly? See what we did there? Without looking at the interconnected nature of people, behaviours, actions, outputs - we cannot expect to live in any kind of reality we truly understand. We will always be a little detached, a little lonely, a little unable to comprehend why we are where we are and who we are. As the founder, who writes this and Abnormal Pulse, which gave birth to this, I am always looking back to where I started and where I am now. And one concept that is Naked, but perhaps unspoken of in such a way, will reveal the significance of starting with the lines I did, and that concept is Love. Everything we do and fight for and against and agonise over, fantasize over, escape from, or try to come closer to - all of it - we do it in the pursuit of love. Even the denial of love has within it a deeper sense of love, a deeper longing. We sabotage Love. We get naked in the hope of love, sometimes. And sometimes we need someone to tell us when it's not love, and we can't believe it because that is how powerful Love is. As I spend my last weeks on Leith Walk, Edinburgh, where I have put myself mostly by chance, I have to revisit this part of my life. For it seems I came back here to just remember what it felt like to have conquered and lost love many years ago. You never forget the first time your heart breaks because it teaches you about so much more you will inevitably feel after that. There are no prizes, no glory, no pedestal for the person I loved first. There's only what I know now about who I am, and all that I learnt about myself, before, then, and after. These are hard lessons, and I was broken but also I succeeded. I wanted something and attained it, however transient it may be - however young, naive, idealistic, and passionate I may have been. For better or for worse, I have never lost that passion. That's why I am here. That's why these next words do remind me of myself, and they'll reveal where they are from: She tied you to her kitchen chair, she broke your throne and she cut your hair. And from your lips, she drew the Hallelujah. And no offense to Leonard Cohen, but we're referring to Jeff Buckley's version. 6 / Life-Long Sobriety & Meditation Have you ever been criticised for advocating sobriety? I have. Because the types of places I grew up in, the institutions I ended up in, the company I ended up with - not to insult them - and nor am I saying I was ever fully forced, but what exactly is free will? - anyway, they followed a culture, or set of cultural practices, which I adapted to very easily because either I was already accustomed to it or it came to me naturally. I grew up in South East Asia and Europe. And it was the latter where I began drinking when I was thirteen because I lived in a country where I could. Not 100% legally at that age but we all know the real drinking age is below the legal age. I don't think it's a bad country, in fact I love that country so much precisely because they were so liberal, open-minded, and tolerant in many respects. But curious kids who experiment can also be kids who end up relying on the substances they experimented with. It's not always obvious why. A lot of people say keep your private life private because life is a lot less complicated that way. Well, whilst I agree to an extent given some very unpleasant experiences resulting from having been so open - they still have not deterred me - or us - from sharing because sharing is strong. That's why I am being open about the fact that I am finally, finally choosing life-long sobriety and it is high time, my 31st birthday present to myself, because I guess leaving your twenties is hard and inconsistent, so 30 was still a confusing, tumultuous time. I moved again. I came out of treatment. I never feel the age I am anyway. I'm still told I look like I'm 18 (which is shocking), 24 or 25 so there was not much thinking going on in terms of what others think, which was unhelpful and reckless. But I know now to not listen to others when it comes to their opinions on sobriety. Still, personally, I had some speed bumps to sort through even after having come out of treatment once again. Nothing to be ashamed of, this journey is non-linear and hard. Yet now, there is no going back. I have replaced everything with tea and meditation. And a whole bunch of other positive alternatives. Therapy is still there. Bit by bit, something changes, and I will fight tooth & nail until this battle is finally won. Which it never will be because you have to fight forever. But now I am ready to remain in the trenches. It's about an honest commitment to myself. So whilst I can still choose to work for industries related to certain substances - like alcohol - I will draw the line at endorsement. I cannot endorse anything that I know can cause a lot of harm. I have decided that my life is my message. And my life now says that I am going to be sober for the rest of my life. I am not criticising anyone, but I know I will be criticised - even by myself - and maybe a time will come when I will allow a glass of wine, whisky, or lager (those are the only alcoholic beverages I still enjoy) - but until that point where I feel comfortable comes the concept is clear - it is NAKED - no matter how much it hurts, how hard it is, I will remain sober. Because the bitter truth is not remaining sober hurts a lot more. And like so many other truths in life we live in denial because the temporary pay-offs make the denial seem worthwhile. Life-Long Sobriety & Meditation is harder, but it is the reality of what will enable me to overcome the obstacles standing in the way of my long-term goals. 5 / Cocoon Being so open about matters of the heart and body and mind might lead someone to wonder where we draw the line here at MZL. Truth is there isn't a line - not one for sharing, but for other things, like personal boundaries. No, instead there's a cocoon, at least one I've survived in and cultivated for the last several years and it is about protection and comfort. I bought a onesie from The Big Softy, which as they describe Fits Like A Warm Hug. So, the truth about intimacy is also about how we are intimate towards ourselves - our personal environment. I am a sucker for all things cosy and warm and comfy. Sex can be a part of that and it can also not be a part of that. I think for us it has been a project of sorts to create a homely environment within creative chaos and to heal within it, becoming a butterfly that's about to emerge every new day. Isn't that a beautiful thought? 4 / Valentine's The day before and it makes no real difference. Not because I'm not a hopeless romantic - I am the worst kind of romantic - like really dramatic and treacherous. I meant it makes no difference because whilst naked and love have some obvious correlations, it's also true that we live in times where it's overwhelmingly obvious that everyone wants something like revolution - but it feels rather saturated. At least it does to me. I feel like all I'm doing is repeating myself. Or stating the obvious. Like, polyamory and bi or pan sexuality. Love is love. Let people live. Let people be. Let people express. Work out the kinks and political correctness drama - make room for the best and worst of our species to manifest - but preserve autonomy and advocate for non-violence, and in the end don't punish love when it is love. I think that expansion of the definition of love might mean humanity will become more capable of it. 3 / Concepts Abstract thought? Is that what a concept is? Ideas maybe. A bit of everything and a whole lot of nothing. Maybe. Don't you ever feel like contemplating something and trying to find meaning in something and endlessly analysing the signs and symbolism of something - until it becomes apparent that you might desire something? That's a lot of somethings. Those somethings could be treated as concepts. Love, grief, anger, contentment, satisfaction, frustration, rebellion, dissent - and so it goes. Justice. The whole world, you and I, everything we think we know - it's all a concept. And we'll end there for now before we start sounding high because this is a substance free zone. Abstraction is only effective when paired with clarity. 2 / Naked We won't be sharing nude pics. It's not that kind of art. It could be - in a highly tasteful manner. Naked means naked. Freedom of thought and freedom of speech but more than that it's also a vulnerable act. To think and speak - or write - out loud. If everyone agreed the world would be a very different place. Sex, drugs, booze, menstruation, violence and abortion, and then those outrageous ideas of equality and tolerance and cultural sensitivity and the contradiction underlying evolved emotions. What I mean is a naked concept is the abstract idea, which can expose, be transparent, reveal and challenge other concepts that are in opposition. It is about evolving, attempting to, but even that process can reveal contradictions when we understand that what we would like to believe and feel is perhaps still fundamentally not in line with what we truly do feel. 1 / Welcome Abnormal Pulse gave birth to this so we're starting with a welcome but this is not a public journal. This is a public brainstorm. It's a list, consisting of thoughts, or items, and we go into some elaboration so that it serves as food for thought. Maybe that'll lead to some creative inspiration. Or confusion. The point, if there is one, is to be free.