Twenty-two days to go. I have that much time before I am once again back in Edinburgh, a city I love very much, and where I hope to again resume life as before - whatever that means. Well, I have an idea of what I would like it to mean.
An extremely important aspect of getting better - recovering - is establishing routine, in some way, some form, so the day-to-day is manageable. I have had a really hard time with this, mainly because the way I work is not only unconventional but it deviates quite naturally from what organised living looks like. Also, my parents instilled in me from a very early age the spirit of eternal bohemianism. They probably wouldn't identify as bohemians but I did and do, and I am very suited for the bohemian lifestyle and all that it entails. It basically means I like a lack of structure. It's not as cool as it sounds - I don't think so. Because, discipline truly is freedom. So that's why I am trying my best to re-establish routine for what feels like the trillionth time because being allowed to recover can also look like laziness. It's a lot of internal work - it requires a lot of introspection - which can look like laziness because it's not interactive or physical.
There's morbidness in this illness. It physically hurts, and sadly the breaking off from routine and society at large does contribute to this. Introvert and anti-social are not the same thing though it can seem that way. I just need some new perspective.
If you're lucky like me, and end up on a lavish, luxurious island in the Middle East to work and recover - and not do much else - then you begin to reassess once again the basic human condition. Ah, yes. That wonderful thing. I'll skip the part about being an aesthete because that should be self-explanatory. I'm not a snob but I love beautiful things, and to be indulgent, and the rest - hedonism. Although, of late, it has become more like spiritualism. Re-connecting with the world has always meant many things for me - it has looked very different - and it has served various different purposes. I'm glad because even though I was not always good with the structure - something I so badly needed to believe I would be - I realised I'm good at something else. At feeling, learning - in my own ways - and trying again. I adapt and move like water. I'm hoping with time I'll be able to once again share all of that with someone else because the nature of it means I do spend a lot of time alone - in solitude - which I don't mind.
That means, for now, a perfect day looks like glittering, shimmering, glimmering blue and turquoise seas, with a brilliant sun - tangible, natural warmth and heat, a slightly cool breeze, a shower with ginger, pear, honey, aloe-vera, coconut, two tarts with strawberries, blackberries, green apple - yogurt with pills and then orange juice and tea. Wind, and sea, and fresh scents, and sweet tastes. It is pure bliss.
And sure, they say it all becomes sweeter when you share it with someone else - but I am sharing it with someone else - I am sharing it with me.
And my gorgeous puppy: Toffee.
And that's a perfect day.