Go Ahead - Try & Break Me A Little Bit More

There comes a point in time when all the rage starts becoming poisonous. Like venom. It has seeped into your bloodstream and it’s in the air you breathe.

An intelligent person would know how to get it out, get rid of it – right? So, you can imagine how the bite gets deeper when the one person you have managed to trust throughout this entire ordeal finally says, “You need to get your shit together.” It wasn’t left as brutally as that. The conversation was about victimhood and agency. To keep a very long and already told story short the question boils down to this: despite all that has been said, felt, experienced, tried – what are you going to do now? How can you once again become empowered?

Well, that’s just it. I thought I was going down that path, so despite – again – the challenges, the accusations, the insults, the attempts at being controlled and undermined – what’s stopping me? I made the sacrifices; I paid the dues. I gritted my teeth and held my head up high. Stood by what I have always believed in. Even when my emotions were getting the better of me. Even when I was at my most vulnerable. Even when I could no longer bear it. Even after I was rushed to the hospital, again, and given new pills to swallow.

Wasn’t that the test? Didn’t I pass? So, where am I going wrong? The thing is I really am on medication. The Bipolar Disorder I have been diagnosed with exacerbates the problems. It doesn’t make them easier, and there’s really nothing I can do about that. At least, that’s what I initially thought. But turns out I did a lot. I took a break, I moved, and I keep going towards the things that align with my beliefs and spirit. I write so transparently, so honestly. Don't I? These are not confessions. This is My Art. This is me. What’s the end goal? Empathy. It’s always been about empathy. And justice. I have been through a lot, and I know loads of people who go through a lot – far worse – sure, but in all the years I’ve spent in therapy I’ve been reminded time and time again to focus on myself. What do I want? What are my needs? Can I focus on them? Top of the list is a combination of two strong desires: to be a female Artist & advocate for Social Justice. I’ve thought about it a lot. I took the Art School to Architect to Humanities to Drama School path and then chose to return to sexual assault at Boarding School and that became a lethal weapon. An Atomic Bomb. That everyone started to use. Entitled assholes, mostly. Now I’m thinking, perhaps the mistake I made – although it’s not a mistake since I understand the difference between policy & law – and my art is primarily for me – is to have not anticipated being challenged. Those who decided on their own to challenge me did so and are doing so because they wanted to and want to. I did not come challenging them directly. They saw my work and reacted. They were vain enough to assume it's about them. Well, you know what, maybe it is? Maybe it was the ultimate mirror and you looked in and didn't quite like what you see? That's tough. And so they felt it necessary to make me aware that the universality of my ideas wouldn’t be left unchallenged. My thoughts and beliefs were controversial, offensive even – and since I dared to be so vocal – so forthright in my views – I needed to be reminded that I need approval. From them. Approval for universality by people who clearly stand in the way of the empathy and justice I seek. Men and Women. Well, fine. Challenge accepted.

So, if the universality of my ideas and suggestions are to be attacked – they have been attacked – and people will demand things from me that I have made clear I am not prepared to meet, to satisfy – literally them attempting to coerce, and corner me into compliance – then here’s where I am at with things (and it really goes without saying that I now feel like an Automated Voice Messaging Service): Why is it so important for my boundaries to change in order for other people to feel comfortable with theirs?

There’s only one true answer: it’s because those lack of boundaries reek of foul play. Of malpractice. A type of corruption. Something that is so insidiously woven into the fabric of affairs - the way things are done - that it’s in everyone’s best interest to act like there is no real issue. After all, sex sells. The only issue then becomes someone like me who dares to challenge it. And that's why people will try to tear my ideas apart and find flaws since I pointed theirs out. I get it. The first line of attack is demanding I show absolute respect for their beliefs whilst abandoning my own. How do you think I reacted? And then the most common line of argument has been if I believe in sexual autonomy doesn’t that apply to every situation? For example: if you don't believe premarital sex is a crime then what's the issue with sexual assault, or even the casting couch?

It's such a boring and pointless argument. I laughed. And I am still laughing.

I am not interested in judging anyone – but there are behaviours, which set us all back, particularly those who have encountered true violence, and for all the push-back I’ve received: I’ve also received substantial support, from Men & Women, enough for me to not change my stance and advocacy. There will always be opposition. By those who try to justify their actions – and perhaps they are justified. If two consenting parties want to engage in sexual behaviours that are morally reprehensible but not technically crimes, then they can. They don’t need me to tell them they can. My issue is when morally reprehensible behaviour wears the guise of being consensual – and even if it is in fact consensual – it then conceals malpractice. The practice of the casting couch is illegal in California, USA, and it serves as a template for wider malpractice - on a global scale - like most of the arts does. Yes, malpractice.

Now what is malpractice, and can we all agree? Universal consensus was never truly my aim. I'm not that naive. I know women who are pro-life. I know Women who hate Women, and despise the word Feminist. My aim was and has always been to produce art that asks questions. That makes suggestions. That, from my understanding and in concern for the future, eliminates what I know to be true: sex & gender discrimination. Which is exactly what I am continuing to fight against. And no it does not surprise me if certain Men & Women do not agree with my fight. After all, sex & gender discrimination were not created by Aliens who came to Earth from another planet. We created it. And so it's up to us to find ways to resolve what we have created.

And that is my entire point.

I do not have to do what other people do to create equality. If anything, true equality lies in everyone being able to acknowledge my boundaries as mine. My boundaries are not your boundaries? Well, then my boundaries, opinions, ideas, and beliefs may be problematic for you.

But guess whose problem that is NOT? Mine. It's not my problem.

I repeat: you having a problem with my boundaries not being the same as your boundaries is not my fucking problem. No, I will not change my beliefs, opinions, and suggestions – again, policy not law – to suit you. To essentially be forced to do what you want me to do. I suggest you take my policy into consideration because for every one Man & Woman whom it possibly offends there are millions who could be protected by it and truly benefit from it.

That is the Truth. Capital fucking T.

If you are crossing boundaries that I deem to be violent, but you deem to not be violent then we will simply have to agree to the fact that not every situation or human being is the same. And not everything is about you – and it’s not about me either. I am not writing all of this because I think I have the perfect solutions. But that is the difference - I am at least writing about it, and not just thinking about myself, and you most certainly are when you ask me to change everything I am working towards to make YOU comfortable and happy. When you ask others to accept your backward mentality.

How fucking difficult is that to understand? Therein lies the real violence, and I ask once again: why is it my problem if you are not comfortable with my boundaries? Haven't you made it clear that my discomfort is not your problem? Treat people the way you want to treated. Why do I need to drop everything I know to be true – that I am trying to change, or make the world a better place for - to make you happy about your life choices, your business practices, your nationalist pride, your brand, your image, your beliefs, and whatever else?

Do you not see how ridiculous that is? If my ideas and opinions are not universal then how could yours be?

I can show cultural sensitivity, and yes, again, empathy towards you - but it must be reciprocated. If you hold certain religious beliefs and have acted on them without violence and have constructed a life on those beliefs – particularly when it concerns gender: like marriage, to a woman – and she was happy, and you are happy – that’s fine. But perhaps those same practices are violent for other people. Does everyone have to do what you do for you to feel justified in your actions? Is it not possible – since I am being challenged repeatedly on exactly that point – that it is violent for other people? Who hold different views? Maybe those practices are now outdated? Flawed? Maybe we need to understand how to move on from them to progress and live with tolerance and empathy? To act with kindness towards people who think differently? Who want to think differently? Who want to change the way things have always been done? People like me? Millions of other people like me?

Empathy. Let’s look at that word again. No definitions – only three examples, and I will be ruthless here because I've had enough.

Example 1

A woman uses the casting couch to get entry into the entertainment industry – fair? Sure, if she consented. It is still illegal. Does that eliminate the possibility that that practice could be violent and result in highly detrimental consequences for other women? No. Does that eliminate the possibility that that woman has in fact enabled further abuse? No.

Example 2

A woman has an unplanned pregnancy and goes through with it on moral grounds. She has the child because she believes she should and that is the only correct thing to do. Fair? Sure, if that is her belief and decision. Does that eliminate the possibility that another woman could have an unplanned pregnancy and choose abortion? No. Would that other woman be morally wrong? No.

Example 3

A girl is born into a family with different beliefs than her own. She acts on her own beliefs. She is punished, or warned, or reprimanded, and told she must uphold the honour of her family. She complies after finally agreeing with them. Fair? Sure, if that honour, which she did not understand or agree with at first, now makes sense to her. She may have been coerced, but she sees things differently now, so she is saying she is fine with it. Ok. Does that eliminate the possibility that another girl, born into an entirely different family, with an entirely different upbringing, is exactly that – different? And that she was given the freedom to act on her beliefs and express her own opinions? No. And that consequentially, she not only wishes to never uphold such honour-codes but then exercises her right to loudly show opposition and disdain towards them? No. She disagrees and chooses to live her life differently. Is she wrong? No. Is she being offensive to the other women? Absolutely not.

Because all of this is about choice.

Now the trillion-dollar question is how do these Men and Women - particularly these women - how do they, or we, see eye to eye?

See, I solved that issue very early on, with help from so many others who are advocating for the same things I am: Intersectional Feminism. Then some weird Hero Complex from an Alternate Universe kicked in - idiotic men who believe they are Masters of the Universe - and suddenly I was being treated like a Damsel In Distress. At least, that’s how it felt. And I did what I have always done: once again, assert, strongly – that I know I am right. There are issues to be addressed. Since these issues are ongoing and my art is multi-layered there won’t be an overnight or One-Size-Fits-All approach to resolving the situation.

That does not mean we stop trying to resolve it.

And no, just resolving whatever intimate details I've revealed from my life won't resolve it either. I was the victim of Child Sex Abuse, then Sexual Assault, and I've had an Abortion, so now blame me, get me married, and make me have children, and all will be well? Are you joking? Yes, that might be helpful and something I might eventually desire on a personal level but that does not change the importance of the work I've set out to do. The work of Human Rights - despite how vague and convoluted that concept has become. The work of Choice - despite how threatening it is to the way we have set up the world.

So, Go Ahead – Try & Break Me A Little Bit More. Men & Women – and to the Men: when you Break Me you Break Yourself, and to the Women: when you Break Me you Break Your Own Heart & Soul. Because I have given up everything and tolerated a world of pain simply for that one Truth: that my Heart is in the right place. And no I don't need a Medal for that. Because I do something you can't even imagine: I live with integrity.

So, I will tolerate your jealousy. I will tolerate your abuse. I will tolerate your doubt and your mockery. I will tolerate your challenges. I will tolerate your indifference. I already have.

Because guess what?

First, you’ll ignore me. Then you’ll laugh at me. And then you’ll fight me. And I'm sorry to say, I will always win. I may not always be right. But I will always win. Sorry, but I will. Because I care more than you. I care more than you, and like I said, no, I don't need any award for it. I have earned all the awards and merits I need so far. I worked so hard and built on the hard work and sacrifices of those made before me to get to where I am today - hard work and sacrifices others envy and therefore try to undermine (so sad) - and I have seven degrees now, all hard-earned, and I have so much to give to the world.

And yet here I am still stuck on sexual violence and justice. Because that's how deep those wounds are. That's why I insist that we must resolve this. But now, I'm finally done. I'm finally done writing about it here. My Art needs me again. That violence did what it intended to do - those who belittled me for coming forward also achieved what they intended to achieve - which I think was to damage me further - but here I am today. Still standing. Still strong in my conviction. And my Art won't abandon it. I will continue to fight for all of this through my Art & my Life, till the Day I Die -

So, ONE MORE TIME (& the last time on here for this matter so explicitly) –

Go Ahead – Try & Break Me A Little Bit More.